Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Depression anyone?

Not that I don't air my dirty laundry enough, but David Murray at HeadHeartHand wants Christians who suffer depression to send in their stories.  I hope this will be my last depression story for a while as my Prozac finally works.

I have been on anti-depressants since 2005.  They make me a better person and a more consistent Christian.  I praise God for the medical innovations that add to his Glory.  Throughout high school I struggled with having and keeping friends, and that would add frustration to my already-lonely world.  The few friends I had soon drifted away, stopped paying attention to me, and wanted to hang with the rougher crowd.  I held onto my faith in Christ.

I hoped to start over in college, but I lived six hours from home, and once again wrapped my identity around friends who later also started ignoring me as a clingy person.  Finally, in 2005, I started taking anti-depressants and stopped obsessing over people.

Also, in 2006, I felt the call to go into youth ministry.  I was involved in a Nashville church, ministering to the kids who came and actually growing the group.  Then, I started seminary in South Carolina, at Erskine.  I had my thoughts on boys, God, my studies, and my independence.  I did not need my insecurities because I was absorbed in theological studies, finding my identity and security in God's unconditional election.

2009, my mother passed away.  This changed me in recent years.  The first year I got to finish seminary, serve one summer in North Carolina, and then go home to Georgia and get used to home without mom.  I then got a job as youth director at my current church, Trinity EPC.  But alas, I could not find enough work, enough friends, or enough motivation for a year-and-a-half.  I still live in my dad's home with little hope of going anywhere.  This caused much frustration and depression, leaving me days when I did not feel motivated to get off the couch.

Finally, I started school again.  I do finally feel like I'm going somewhere now.  I have friends, school, an internship that can lead to a job in a practical industry, along with more growing in theology at my church and reading blogs.  I still suffer much depression.  I'm so glad for the help available to Christians who suffer depression because without meds, we could not properly glorify God.  Without my meds, I'm obsessive and would argue with a tree, even if I am right.  On Prozac, I think before I speak, worry less, and even look people in the eyes.  I can see eye colors!  I still stew over recent damage from my ulterior witnessing movies, but I still seek counseling to find a balance between speaking my views and being Christ-like.

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