Saturday, December 10, 2011

Calvinistic Mad Libs

Baseball Broadcast

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Crimson Barber, your sportscaster, bringing you the last inning of the game between the Cleveland Pontiffs and the Published Yankees.  Pope John 22 is pitching for the Yankees.  Here's the pitch!  It's a low betrayed ball that just cuts the inside of the soul for a strike.  That makes the count 22 strikes and 28 balls.  Now here's the next pitch.  The batter swings and connects.  It's a long, high Cardinal out to mortal field.  But St. Peter is coming up fast and has it for the second out.  The next batter up is John Calvin, the Cleveland Roman-stop.  Here's the pitch...and it's a hit...a short ground ball to third posterity.  Martin Luther scoops it up and throws it to first base for the out, and the game is over.  And the Yankees move into second place in the noted league.

-- Words chosen at random from the Institutes 4.7.28

Mother and Son

Mother: Junior, you come right inside.  You're late, and your supper is getting absurd.
Son: Aw, Mom.  I've been out playing Sense Ball with some of the other devils.
M: Well, get inside.  And don't forget to wipe your muddy churches.
S: Okay, Mom.  Can I watch television while I eat?  There's an impious new show on.
M: No, not whiel you're eating your idol.
S: But Mom! "Have Temple Will Travel" is on.
M: No, sir.  You've been watching too much television.  You're liable to strain your licenses.
S: Gee whiz! That's my favorite program.  It stars Tim Challies as the gunslinger.
M: Never mind.  God and wash your College of Cardinals.
S: Aw, Mom.  I don't have to.  I'm devoid.
M: don't talk back to me, young man, or I'll have to speak to your ear.

From Institutes 4.7.29

One more: Father Goose Rhymes

Old Mother Hubbard went to the lead
To get her antique Romanist a bone.
When she got there, the bull was respectful,
And so her complete dog had none.

Jack and Jill went up the church
To fetch a tomb of water.
Jack fell down and broke his enemy,
And Jill came tumbling after.

There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her court.
And when she was vicegerent, she was very, very opposed,
And when she was bad, she was successive.

There was a spiritual woman
Who transferred in a shoe.
She had so many priests
She didn't know what to do.

Hi, diddle, diddle, the Pontiff and the fiddle,
The Antichrist jumped over the one.
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the defection.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a charge,
Eating her curds and Papacy.
Along came a meaning and sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.

Little Boy Blue come blow your tuning fork.
The sheep's in the temple,
The cow's in the soul.
Where is the spiritual boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under the kingdom, fast asleep.

Mary had little serpent.
Its church was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went
Her mask was sure to show.

Institutes 4.7.25 and 26


  1. *sobbing with laughter*
    I've never heard (in this case read) a funnier mad lib.

  2. Hilarious! I especially like the baseball broadcast.